Anxiety is trying to rule here tonight.  I’ve been productive with a few things today — I worked (on work stuff) for a few (three? four?) hours, folded/stomped/smashed all of the cardboard on the porch and bundled it for recycling, swept the house (oh, the dog hair), puppysat for my local Guide Dog Puppy raising group, and searched obsessively for a new (very used) car.  Oh, I put clean dishes away, and started a load of laundry.  Not too bad.  What I want and need to accomplish before bed:  SHOWER.  I think it’s been since Sunday.  I’m pretty ripe.  Why showers and self-care can be so hard is something I would really like to understand.

I’ve taken meds, I’m drinking tea, listening to calm/cheerful music to which I can sing, and generally trying to keep moving and making productive/effective choices.  It’s easier when I am fighting anxiety, but am not dealing with huge emotional dysregulation.

My appointment with my prescribing psychiatrist was last week.  I struggle with the idea of increasing meds further — I’m on two antidepressants (and a third aimed at helping sleep), an anxiety med, and something to help mitigate stronger symptoms before my period.  I have something on hand to use if nightmares get too frequent or severe.  I also take a number of supportive supplements as prescribed by my naturopath. I STRONGLY prefer natural/herbal remedies for health when possible, and it has been really hard to accept that the other stuff is necessary for functioning and safety right now.  (Harumph.)  I am often encouraged to try higher doses of things, and it is hard (all my doses are at least at therapeutic levels, some higher).  Admission to myself that until my moods and anxiety are more manageable, I need more meds (again!) — it’s tough.  I want to be outside exercising and doing other healthy things to improve mental health.  I know they work.  I feel frustrated by my inability to do these on even a minimally regular basis.  Currently, the only consistent movement I get outside is riding.  I’m so glad I have that.

Anyway, I left a message for my doctor tonight that I am ready to revisit increasing meds, and will likely talk with her on Monday.  I made the call before I could talk myself out of it.

If I could choose something right now to help break my anxiety cycle?  Sex.  Riding. Walking with a friend.  Laughing with someone.  Snuggling with someone on the couch.  Sitting in front of someone’s wood stove, watching the flames and feeling the dry heat.  Playing some game that is not much sensory input, but is funny.  None of these are available right now.  I might try to watch another funny show or movie.  (Another tool from DBT — opposite action.  Evaluate feelings right now (if they are not productive), and choose to do something that will encourage/provoke the opposite (healthy/effective) reaction.  Not always an easy thing to do, but I think it’s the route I need to take tonight.

Peace and laughter for all of us in this new year.

Crash.

Sometimes I can anticipate it.  I guess I should have guessed yesterday — the morning was fine, then anxiety spiked, short-term memory dropped, and headache started.  I did use meds to try to drop the anxiety, but I did not take enough, or did not take it early enough.  Bedtime was a battle.  This morning I felt like I hadn’t slept in days, I had a severe headache, and had to get up long enough to take the day off work, take something for the headache, and feed the dogs.  I was in bed until 3pm.

I still feel pretty rough, but the headache has eased, which helps a lot. Instead of focusing on the day or whether I’ll be able to function through tomorrow, I thought I’d share something that has been huge for me in dealing with my rumpus brain over the past few years.  I had to miss this activity today — I wasn’t sure I should be driving or riding.

A therapist with whom I worked for a year learning some DBT skills asked me the question, “We need an activity that you enjoy that was never connected to any trauma.  I know you used to ride horses — was that ever connected to anything traumatic?”  The answer was no.  I grew up riding horses, volunteered with a therapeutic riding center in high school, and served as head instructor and trainer for a different center early in my years of teaching.  I spent multiple summers as a camper and as staff at a camp and conference center with their string of horses.  Horses and the people around them helped me walk through a lot of tough times.

Henry (image property of NWTRC)

Enter NorthWest Therapeutic Riding Center (NWTRC), a local non-profit with a stellar reputation, excellent staff, and well-cared for, well-trained horses.  Having worked some in the field, I am picky, and this place and these people really know their stuff.  I started riding out there on and off a couple of years ago, and it has been powerful.  Julia, the director, started work with me using a method she was developing combining yoga and horseback riding.  Despite many years of riding, I was clear I was there to help my brain/psyche, rather than to work on riding skills.  I remember leaving after my first lesson there — I felt taller, stronger, calmer, more me than I’d felt in a long time.  My therapist once stated that if it was possible, she thought the most helpful thing for me right now would be to be able to ride out there every day.  Not possible right now, but I think I agree.

EAAT (Equine Assisted Activities and Therapies) are helpful to people with a wide range of disabilities.  There is information on NWTRC‘s site on some of the ways therapy with horses is beneficial.  For me?  It is a link to part of myself that is truly me — and a part of me that was relatively untouched by trauma.  It is one of the few times in my life right now when I can truly just think about what I am doing, and not have memories/voices/anxiety/whatever interrupting my experience.  The horses themselves are calm and personable, stable and reassuring.  The setting is quiet, with other horses moving quietly, chickens chatting amongst each other nearby, and lots of trees moving in the breeze.  Riding is very grounding — there are so many sensory experiences to keep me connected to reality — the warmth of the horse, the feel of Henry’s (the horse I ride) hair, the smell of leather tack and county breezes and equine dust.  The very soft sound of hooves in the footing of the arena.  The movement of the horse underneath me — steady, rhythmic, gentle.  It is magical.  I am so grateful.

With all those positive thoughts in my head, I think it is time for me to start the bedtime routine.  Despite an extra seven hours in bed, I know I need my sleep.  Which parts of you are that grain of truth and comfort that riding and horses are for me?

My brain/mood lifted gradually last week.  I’m so grateful.  I think writing here might have helped.  Perhaps it reminds me to hope – the hope here being that my experiences might help or educate others.

I actually worked a full, consecutive day today!  Whooooha!  Usually I have to break things up and piece my hours together throughout the day.  Magical focus and clarity were mine, and I worked right through (with a short break at lunch to take care of the chickens and make coffee).  Who knows if that will happen again soon, but I’m thankful for the days I can keep as reference points.  I CAN work a normal work day (just not all of the time, yet).

Now that things are easier, I need to build back up my outside time.  I did ride (a horse) on Saturday, but other than that I haven’t spent much time outside in the real world.  The sun broke through for just a bit this afternoon, and I really wanted to take my bike out, but I didn’t feel like I should interrupt my work focus.  Perhaps tomorrow.  I love being outside, but it is hard to leave the house when my brain is so messy.  The habit must be rebuilt all the time.

Bedtime has been easier for a few days, and I need to tread carefully.  If I take meds early enough I can get myself to bed by 11.  Off I go.