I took a quiet day today.  I battle seeing these as lazy days — they’re not.  Managing my overworked nervous system and depression sometimes requires time spent doing very little, to let things reset a bit.  Sleep is an issue exacerbating everything else right now, so I got up, had breakfast, and took a nap.  Other accomplishments for the day:  very little talking, no outside interactions, no driving, making the choice to skip an activity because the rest/ quiet was a larger need, taking a shower.  (Showers don’t seem like a big thing, but sometimes they feel much more like mountains than they are.)

Sleep phobia was a new diagnosis for me a few years ago.  I didn’t even know there could be such a thing.  Various doctors and therapists over the years had counselled me about the value of sleep, about sleep hygiene, about various teas and herbs and meds, and nothing worked/made sense. Everyone understood it was likely due to trauma.  None of them understood that the main problem wasn’t that I couldn’t sleep, it was that I DREADED going to bed/sleep. I didn’t want to do any of those things because I didn’t want to do anything that would make me go to bed.  I tried to explain this to numerous professionals to no avail, but with my newest therapist, SHE GOT IT.  This was huge for me!

I’d spent years staying up until I was falling asleep where I stood/sat, then heading to bed when I was super groggy, making the task a bit easier.  I was working, and am still not sure how I was able to function on so little rest.  Whatever reserve I had, it is gone now.  So, it’s a phobia.  Like other phobias, it is sometimes worse than other times.  A common fear/phobia is encountering spiders.  Facing bed/sleep is as bad for me as willingly sitting in a mass of spiders would be for someone with arachnophobia.  Bed/sleep is a bit easier to deal with now that I have more understanding of what happens for me at bedtime (understanding and education are so powerful).  There are some methods and tools I can employ that can help with getting myself to bed.

Along with fighting bed, I don’t always sleep well.  Meds help this some, and I have an upcoming appointment with a sleep specialist.  I’ve been tested for sleep apnea before, but it was a while ago.  I’m hoping there’s something else that might help improve the sleep I do get.

So, I have the evening.  There are dishes and tidying that shouldn’t take long, and will help me feel better about life/work in the morning.  That’s the priority.  That and planning out bedtime so I can aim to be more successful tonight.